When You’re Grieving Someone Society Doesn’t Think You Should Mourn
Grief is already unbearable. But when the world tells you your grief doesn’t count? That the person you lost isn’t “worth” mourning? It feels like the knife already in your chest is being twisted.
You’re left screaming inside, trying to understand how anyone can decide that someone you loved—someone who meant everything to you—isn’t worth their compassion.
But that’s what happens when someone dies from substance use. Or suicide. Or in any way that doesn’t fit society’s tidy little narrative about what a “good life” looks like.
They Don’t Know Them Like You Do
They’ll say it outright. Or maybe it’s worse—maybe they don’t say anything at all. Maybe it’s just the looks, the silence, the subject changes when their name comes up.
“They were an addict.”
“They chose this.”
“Didn’t you see this coming?”
But they don’t know. They didn’t see the real person behind the headlines or the stigma. They didn’t see the laughter that lit up a room, the kindness that came so naturally, the love they gave so fiercely.
They didn’t see how hard they fought—how much they wanted to stay, even when the weight of their struggles felt like too much to carry.
But you did. You loved them in their wholeness: their best moments and their darkest ones. They were more than their mistakes. They were more than how they died.
Grief and Guilt: A Brutal Cocktail
When someone dies like this, grief doesn’t come alone. It drags guilt along with it. You’ll blame yourself for things you shouldn’t.
Why didn’t I call more?
Why didn’t I see the signs?
Why couldn’t I save them?
But here’s the thing: You loved them. You did what you could, and sometimes it wasn’t enough—not because you failed, but because life can be cruel and substance use doesn’t care how much you love someone.
You are not responsible for their death. You were part of their fight to live, and that is something no one can take away.
The World Moves On. You Don’t.
The world wants you to be quiet about your grief. It wants you to “move on” because they think someone like them isn’t worth holding onto. But they don’t understand.
How could they, when your person’s absence is a raw, gaping wound? How could they, when you keep picking up your phone to call them, only to remember you can’t? How could they, when every memory feels like a punch to the gut because you’d give anything—anything—to have them back?
They don’t understand, but that doesn’t mean your grief isn’t real.
You’re Allowed to Be Angry
Be angry at the system that failed them. Be angry at the people who judged them. Be angry at the stigma that kept them silent, the shame that kept them from asking for help.
And yeah, maybe be angry at them, too. You’re human. It’s okay to feel it all—rage, sorrow, love. None of it makes your grief any less valid.
Your Love Matters. Your Grief Matters.
Let them judge. Let them whisper. Let them try to diminish what you feel. None of it changes the fact that your love for them was real, and your grief is too.
You don’t have to apologize for missing them. For saying their name. For telling their story. You don’t have to shrink your pain to make others comfortable.
At Adams Legacy Project, we see you. We’ve carried that same pain, that same anger, that same desperation to make the world understand that their life mattered.
We’re here for you, not to tell you to “move on,” but to sit with you in the storm. To say, “Yes, this hurts. Yes, they mattered. And yes, you are allowed to grieve them fully, unapologetically, as long as you need.”
You’re not alone. You shouldn’t have to carry this alone.
Share their story. Share your grief.
Because no matter what anyone else says, their story—and your love for them—deserves to be told.
