The Firsts Are the Hardest: Navigating Birthdays, Anniversaries, and Milestones After a Loss

Grief has a way of sneaking up on you, especially during the “firsts.” The first birthday without them. The first anniversary. The first holiday where there’s an empty chair at the table. These moments feel like they should come with a warning label—proceed with caution because nothing about them feels normal. Instead of celebration, they’re filled with the ache of what’s missing.

I remember the first Halloween without Adam. It wasn’t just sadness that hit me; it was this overwhelming sense of change. We had spent every Halloween together, and he and Chloe had their own special traditions—carving pumpkins, watching scary movies, and comparing the candy haul at the end of the night. That first Halloween felt surreal and wrong, like stepping into a version of the world where something fundamental was missing. I didn’t know how to handle the day—should I try to keep up the traditions? Should I let it pass quietly? The change was so stark, and I couldn’t help but feel the weight of it all.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel It All

The first thing to know is that it’s okay to feel everything—or nothing at all. Some days, grief looks like crying until you can’t anymore. Other days, it’s numbness, a survival instinct kicking in to get you through the day. Birthdays and anniversaries don’t come with a guidebook for grief. Whatever you’re feeling is valid.

If you want to cry, cry. If you want to laugh at a memory of them, let yourself laugh. If you’re angry that they’re not here, let yourself be angry. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and milestones have a way of pulling every emotion to the surface at once. Give yourself grace to feel messy, because messy is part of healing.

Find Your Way to Honor Them

One of the hardest parts of these milestones is feeling like there’s no way to include them. But there is—you just have to find what feels right for you.

For some, it’s lighting a candle or visiting their favorite spot. For others, it’s baking their favorite cake or playing their favorite song. On my loved one’s birthday, I wrote them a letter. I told them all the things I would’ve said if they were still here. It felt strange at first, but it helped. It gave me a connection to them on a day when the distance between us felt unbearable.

Honor them in whatever way feels genuine. There’s no “right” way to do this. What matters is that it’s meaningful to you.

Lean on Your People (or Don’t)

The people in your life will react to your grief in different ways. Some will be supportive, showing up with kind words and open arms. Others might not know what to say, leaving you feeling more alone than ever. It’s okay to lean on those who show up and set boundaries with those who don’t.

But also, give yourself permission to be alone if that’s what you need. Not everyone processes grief with a crowd. Some of my hardest “firsts” were spent quietly, just me and my memories. I found comfort in the stillness, even if it wasn’t the comfort I really wanted—which was having them back.

Expect the Unexpected

The “firsts” have a way of catching you off guard. A song on the radio. A smell that reminds you of them. A random memory that flashes in your mind. These little things can hit just as hard as the big milestones. They’re reminders of what you’ve lost, but also of what you’ve had. And as much as they hurt, they’re also proof of how deeply you loved them.

Take It One Moment at a Time

If the thought of an entire day feels impossible, focus on getting through the next hour, or even the next minute. Grief has a way of shrinking time, making hours feel like days. You don’t have to get through the whole milestone in one piece; you just have to get through it moment by moment. And sometimes, surviving is enough.

Let Yourself Hope

The “firsts” won’t always hurt this much. That’s not to say the pain goes away—it doesn’t. But over time, it changes. The sharp edges soften. The memories bring more smiles than tears. The milestones become opportunities to celebrate the love you shared, even as you miss them.

Right now, it might feel impossible to imagine a birthday, anniversary, or holiday without breaking down. And that’s okay. But one day, you’ll find yourself smiling at a memory or laughing at an old photo, and it will feel like they’re right there with you. Until then, take it slow, be gentle with yourself, and remember—you’re not alone in this.