What to Do When the Holidays Hit Different After a Loss
The holidays can feel like a minefield when you’re grieving. They’re supposed to be full of joy and togetherness, but when someone you love is gone.
The empty chair at the table feels like a spotlight. Every “happy holidays” commercial feels like salt in the wound.
If this is your first holiday season without them, or even your tenth, it’s okay to admit that it’s hard. There’s no right way to handle this time of year, but here are some ways to navigate the messiness of grief during the holidays.
1. Let Yourself Off the Hook
You don’t owe anyone a “perfect holiday.” If the thought of putting up a tree, hanging lights, or hosting family makes you want to scream, don’t do it.
Grief is exhausting, and it’s okay to prioritize your mental health over traditions. Skip the big dinner if you need to. Spend the day in your pajamas. Order pizza instead of cooking. You’re allowed to say, “Not this year.”
Letting go of the pressure to make everything “normal” frees you to handle the holidays in a way that feels bearable.
2. Create New Traditions (or Don’t)
Old traditions might feel impossible without them. Sitting in their usual spot at the table or making their favorite dish can bring up emotions you’re not ready for. It’s okay to let those traditions go for now—or forever.
If you’re up for it, creating new traditions can help. Some ideas:
Light a candle in their honor.
Watch a movie they loved.
Write them a letter and hang it on the tree.
Volunteer or donate to a cause they cared about.
And if even “new traditions” feels like too much? Skip it. You don’t have to celebrate at all.
3. Talk About Them
There’s this weird idea that talking about someone who’s gone will make everyone sad. But not talking about them can hurt more. Speak their name. Share their stories. Remember who they were outside of their struggles.
Yes, it might make you or others cry. That’s okay. Crying doesn’t ruin the holidays—it’s part of processing your grief. Keeping them in the conversation reminds everyone that they mattered, and they still do.
4. Protect Your Energy
Holidays mean family, and family means… opinions. Some people will say unhelpful things like, “You should try to be happy” or “You need to move on.” Others might try to offer advice you didn’t ask for.
It’s okay to set boundaries. Responses like:
“I’m not ready to talk about that right now.”
“I’d rather focus on the good memories today.”
“Thank you, but I need some space.”
Boundaries are how you protect yourself from unnecessary hurt. Use them liberally.
5. Let Yourself Feel Everything
Grief doesn’t take a holiday break. It’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it—a smell, a song, or even just the silence. You might feel sadness, anger, relief, guilt, or all of it at once. Let it come.
Cry when you need to. Scream into a pillow if that’s what it takes. Write down your feelings, even the messy ones. Grief doesn’t care about holiday cheer, and shoving it down won’t make it go away. Feel it so it doesn’t consume you later.
6. Take Breaks from People Who Don’t Get It
Some people might pretend nothing happened. Others might avoid talking about your loved one altogether because they’re “trying to keep things positive.” That can hurt more than they realize.
If you need to step away from people who don’t understand, do it. Spend time with someone who gets it, join a support group, or just take a quiet moment for yourself. You don’t have to surround yourself with people who make your grief feel lonelier.
7. Let Joy In—If It Comes
Grief doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to laugh or enjoy things. Joy can feel strange when you’re grieving, like you’re betraying them by feeling happy. But that’s not true.
If you find a moment of peace, let it happen. If you laugh at a memory or smile at something silly, don’t push it away. Joy and grief can exist together—they’re not opposites. They’re just part of being human.
8. Do Something Grounding
The holidays can be overwhelming, with their chaos, family drama, and constant reminders of your loss. Find something that brings you back to yourself, even for a few minutes.
Some ideas:
Take a walk in the quiet.
Listen to calming music or journal your feelings.
Make their favorite recipe, even if just for yourself.
Meditate, pray, or sit in silence.
Grounding yourself doesn’t solve the grief, but it can make it feel a little more manageable.
9. Honor Them in a Way That Feels Right
Finding a small, meaningful way to honor them during the holidays can help bridge the gap between your grief and the season.
Some ideas:
Set a place for them at the table.
Make an ornament with their name or photo.
Light a candle in their memory.
Donate to a charity or cause they would’ve loved.
Whatever you choose, make it personal. It’s not about what others expect—it’s about what feels right for you.
10. Remember, You’re Allowed to Survive This
The holidays can feel like a mountain you’re not ready to climb. But surviving them doesn’t mean you’re forgetting them. It doesn’t mean you’re moving on. It just means you’re finding a way to carry their memory with you, even when it hurts.
Give yourself permission to do what you need to get through this season. That might mean crying in your car or skipping the family dinner. It might mean sitting with the pain or finding small moments of joy. However you survive it, it’s enough.
You’re not alone in this. There are others who’ve walked this road, and we see you. One breath, one step, one day at a time—you’ll make it through. They’d want you to.
